Married . WithOUT Children
“I’ve got a great idea about how I can make some extra cash on the side!” I told husband-head excitedly.
Husband-head didn’t seem to share my enthusiasm.
“You’re not going to attempt to write erotica again, are you?” he said in a monotone voice. “The last stuff you wrote could’ve easily put an insomniac to sleep. .”
But I was not going to let him rain on my parade. I was determined to utilize my writing skills for fun and profit.
“I’m going to start writing horoscopes,” I announced. “Move over, Jeanne Dixon, you’ve got competition!”
Husband-head let out a long sigh.
“First of all, it won’t be much competition since Jeanne Dixon is dead,” he informed me. “Second of all, the only thing you can accurately predict is that you’re going to bounce a check at the bank. Sorry, toots, but I don’t think the astrology arena is your area of expertise.”
Undaunted, I ignored his skepticism and sat down to write my horoscopes and share my zodiac character predictions with the world:
Aquarius (Jan. 23 – Feb. 22) – Ruled by Uranus, Aquarians tend to have some problems with flatulence and will seek to immerse themselves in crowds so they can blame it on someone else. They have an affinity for the 1960s movie “Hair.”
Pisces (Feb. 23 – March 22) – For obvious reasons, the people under the fish sign have a natural aversion to seafood restaurants such as “Red Lobster.” However, Three Dog Night remains one of their all-time favorite bands with their song “Joy To The World.”
Aries (March 23 – April 22) – The sign of the Ram and ruled by the planet Mars, these folks can often be seen driving around in trucks and eating candy bars.
Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – Many people under this sign find themselves having an extremely binding relationship with the good people at Ford Motor Credit, which can oftentimes last a lifetime.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – The sign of the twins, it isn’t surprising that those under this zodiac sign can suffer from multiple personality disorder and will slam their hands against their foreheads, while screaming, “Will everyone in there just SHUT UP!”
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – Naturally paranoid, many Cancer people end up to be raving hypochondriacs. As the sign of the crab, these people also tend to be prone to venereal disease.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Lion people will watch the movies “Wizard of Oz” or “Jungle Book” over and over again until you stop them. Older Leos will collect lots of cats while female Leos remain loyal to Helen Reddy and her song “I Am Woman (Hear Me Roar).”
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – It is every father’s dream that his daughter be born under the sign of the virgin and remain that way until she is at least 37. However, many under this sign will rebel and end up working in the adult movie industry.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – Those born under the sign of the scales often find themselves either obsessed with their weight or dealing illegal substances. They typically end up spending time at the Jenny Craig Center or the local county jail.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 22) – The Scorpians are often under the mistaken illusion they have musical talent and will attempt to form rock bands. Ear plugs come in handy around these people.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 22) – The sign of the centaur – half-man, half-horse – Sagittarians have a hard time finding pants that fit. When no one is looking, they sometimes eat hay.
Capricorn (Dec. 23 – Jan. 22) – These goat people are understandably offended by a certain variety of pungent cheese, although they’ll eat just about anything else. They feel compelled to climb high mountains for no apparent reason, while singing the soundtrack from the “Sound of Music.”
“Ta-Da!” I said when I was done and showed my horoscope handiwork to husband-head.
Husband-head read through the list and handed it back to me.
“I predict that you’re not going to make a dime off this stuff. .”
New Castle resident Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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Shortly before the New Year, we were shocked and saddened to learn that a 37-year-old mother in Glenwood Springs had been charged with stabbing and killing her two children.