Married . WithOUT Children
“It felt like I was in bed with a different MAN!” I confided to Marianne during one of our morning phone conversations. “It was simply amazing!”
“Really?” Marianne said with surprise. “It worked that well? Maybe I should get some for my husband. …”
But it was true. For the first time in the ten years that I’ve known him, husband-head had gone the whole night … without snoring.
Now, normally our bedroom sounds like a nasal concerto going on – husband-head snores, I snore and the dog snores. All we’re missing is a conductor standing at the end of the bed. .
And although each of us vehemently denies that we snore (except for the dog – he doesn’t seem to care), it was while we were watching TV recently that husband-head saw a commercial for these BreatheRight strips that promised to eliminate our little problem.
“Sixty-eight percent of all Americans snore, at least a little,” the ad said. “Some snore so loudly you could hear them on the other side of the street, not to mention the other side of the bed – maybe you’re one of them.”
“Yup, that would be you,” husband-head agreed with the commercial. “You snore so loud, I’ll bet people can hear you on the other side of TOWN.”
A classic case of the pot calling the kettle black. .
But the ad offered a free sampling of the strips by calling the toll-free number.
“I’m going to order it,” husband-head jumped up and headed toward the phone. “Your snoring days are over, toots. I’m tired of pushing your head around to get you to stop making so much noise.”
“You push my HEAD around while I’m sleeping?” I asked, not sure I liked the idea of being manhandled in my slumber.
“Well, I have to do SOMETHING to make you stop,” he said defensively. “It’s either that or put the pillow over your face, but I think a person can go to jail for that. .”
Sure enough, a few weeks later, a large envelope came in the mail, complete with a brochure with all kinds of information about snoring and some free samples of the BreatheRight strips.
“Snorers typically don’t hear themselves,” the brochure said. “But the noise can become so loud and irritating that it often disrupts other people’s sleep. That can put a strain on relationships and is a frequent source of embarrassment.”
“I wonder if anyone ever got divorced over snoring?” I asked husband-head as I thumbed through the literature, trying to imagine having to explain that one to a judge.
Husband-head unwrapped the Band-Aid-like strip as we got ready for bed.
“Want one?” he offered.
“No thanks, I don’t snore,” I denied.
I looked at him with the little strip strapped over the top of his nose.
“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” he warned as he climbed into bed.
We both wondered what would happen if we placed a strip on the dog’s nose, but then decided it probably wasn’t a good idea. .
That night I listened intently to the sound of silence coming from the other side of the bed. . In fact, at one point I even walked around to his side to make sure it really WAS husband-head.
“You didn’t snore the entire night!” I told him when we got up the next morning. “That thing really works!”
“Yeah, but I dreamt all night that I was Hannibal Lecter with something stuck on my face,” he informed me.
Nevertheless, the next night he put another strip across his nose.
“It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring!” I sang out loud, trying to fill in the snoreless void. “He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn’t wake up in the morning!”
Husband-head was thoughtful for a moment.
“I wonder if I put one of these strips across your mouth if it’d make you stop talking. .”
Heidi Rice’s column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.
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I wrote this column to share my story through my cultural assets: Aspirational, linguistic, familial, navigational, social, and resistant. I know we all have an open wound in our lives and I want to share…