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Not all boyfriends are monsters

April E. ClarkGlenwood Springs CO Coloradoaclark@postindependent.com
Kelley Cox / Post Independent
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A Halloween-themed e-mail in my inbox this morning read, Your boyfriend what kind of monster is he?I had to laugh. When it comes to my relationship track record, massacre comes to mind. Sure, Im a suspected relationship serial killer, but Im not always the reason for the blood bath. Anyone who has survived the dating scene knows its hard to weed out the monsters.Especially the ones who mask their true identity like bad guys on Scooby Doo.If mine is one, he better more like the Cookie Monster, Franken Berry or Count Chocola.At least I could relate. The aforementioned e-mail came courtesy of Boulder authors Lynda Hilburn and Esri Rose. Hilburn is a paranormal fiction author who has a thing for vampires. Roses prose is more in the elf realm.If I were to write paranormal chick lit and yes, there is such a thing I picture my main character as a strapping firefighting ghost.I think Ill call him Blaze.Hilburn and Roses e-mail included multiple-choice questions that wouldnt be found on the SAT but might be Cosmo-worthy. Question No. 1 in deciphering which kind of monster your boyfriend is:Whats his favorite meal?a) Steak tartareb) Your hot neighborc) He says he lives off earth energy. Eating disorder?Answer b would me my luck because I actually do have a hot neighbor. But I kind of like the sound of answer c. Earth energy is so New Age. And everyone knows Im all about mind, body and spirit. And the antioxidant effects of organic garlic.Hopefully that really works on vampires.Question No. 5 was a good one, too.His idea of a night on the town:a) Trolling blood banksb) Howling at the moonc) Anything that involves body glitterI usually stay clear of dating dudes who wear body glitter. But if that keeps me safe from vampires and werewolves, more power to him. Ive even seen body glitter products in scented varieties. Who doesnt love a guy who smells, and tastes, like bubble gum? I could be OK with answer c, even if his eyelids are prettier than mine. Maybe body glitter comes in garlic scent Hilburn and Rose also touched on his most annoying habits:a) Snacks out of the litterboxb) Swears its tomato juicec) Uses the last of your hair conditionerI figure if my guy is into body glitter, stealing the conditioner is the last of my worries. Whatever happened to annoying habits like smacking his lips when he eats or not picking up his clothes off the floor? Apparently, ladies, we have to worry about kitty litter snacking and blood sucking.Now thats scary.Theres also the burning question of his idea of a romantic getaway:a) Your laciest lingerie, an open vein, and the darkest corner of your basementb) A moonlit night, no leash laws, and a large deer populationc) Long, flowing hair (yours and his), dancing under the stars, a best-of harp CDMy Aunt Patty, who happens to have long flowing hair herself, is a phlebotomist who always said I have nice veins. So I should be afraid very afraid of answer a. Our basement kind of gives me the chills, too. Especially when Im prancing around down there in lacy lingerie.Without a leash. Even more frightening.The final question regards moving in together, a lifestyle choice thats very scary for the non-committed and Southern Baptists. But if hes ready to bite the silver bullet and live in sin together, these might be a few blood-red flags:a) Drippy candles, thick black drapes, and cobwebsb) An isolated cabin in the woods, a calendar with moon phases, and a really big pet doorc) An earth-toned yurt, a composting toilet, and lots of mirrorsI really dont have a problem with black drapes, especially in satin. A pet door is pretty convenient with two dogs. And mirrors add great light-enhancing qualities to a room. But I might end up unloading a shotgun on a fridge if I lived in an isolated cabin in the woods.Now thats scary.April E. Clark cant get enough of Paranormal State on the A&E Channel. She can be reached at aclark@postindependent.com.


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