Nothing like a wrong thong! |

Nothing like a wrong thong!

Fried rice
Heidi Rice
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“Honey, how do you feel about my underwear?” I asked Husband-Head nonchalantly the other evening while he was relaxing on the couch with a beer and reading. “Are my panties OK?”

Husband-Head took the newspaper he was reading and put it over his face.

“No … no … no-no-no,” he said slowly into the crease of the paper. “We are so not playing this game and you are so not going to ask me trick questions that will get me in trouble no matter how I answer.”

But I really wasn’t trying to torture him. I’d seen a segment on NBC’s Today show that morning in which a Los Angeles woman was suing Victoria’s Secret over some thong underwear she’d purchased.

Wow, I haven’t written about thong underwear in a long time ” this feels good.

However, I still don’t believe that thong underwear itself feels good, so it struck me as funny that someone would buy this undergarment abomination and then sue the company that sold it.

The woman appeared on the popular morning show with her attorney and proceeded to relay how she’d purchased this little tiny piece of fabric that had a little tiny metal heart on the side. Why? We don’t know. But apparently she thought this little ditty was attractive until she went to put the little tiny panties on and a piece of the decorative metal flew up and hit her in the eye. Information from the show was based on a 2008 summer survey conducted by “Better Homes and Gardens” magazine.

We would just like to make a note here that this lady is a rather large person and probably should not have had anything to do with thong underwear to begin with.

Personally, I was having a hard time understanding how an object this small being put on the opposite end of your body could smack you in the eyeball and do that much damage.

“Were you putting the panties on over your head or did they break apart as you tried to pull them up?” I yelled at the TV.

But the woman said that the metal from the decorative underwear “popped into my eye” and resulted in a week-long hospital stay with three cuts to her cornea.

Her attorney claimed the product is defective in “design and manufacture,” according to the TV interview.

The panty-problem happened a year ago. The lawsuit was filed last month.

The woman reiterated that after the incident, she was in “excruciating pain” as was, I’m sure, anyone who had to view her with the thong panties on.

In fact, perhaps there will be future lawsuits filed against Victoria’s Secret for selling thong underwear to anyone over 130 pounds.

For some reason, the whole thing kind of reminded me of the 81-year-old woman from New Mexico who successfully sued McDonald’s restaurant for nearly $3 million after spilling a 49-cent cup of extremely hot coffee on herself, causing third-degree burns to her groin area. It did not specify whether she was wearing protective thong panties.

As I watched this segment of the Today show, I was on the phone with my girlfriend who has threatened to strangle me with a pair of her own panties if I use her name.

“I should sue Victoria’s Secret for not making thong underwear big enough to cover my butt,” she said with a laugh when I told her about the story.

“Thong underwear isn’t SUPPOSED to cover your butt,” I corrected her. “In fact, I don’t understand anyone who complains about it because there is no way that piece of string unnaturally lodged in that body part can be comfortable.”

My anonymous friend thought about that for a moment.

“On the other hand, I should sue Hanes for the big, ugly granny-panties I have to wear,” she said and then after a moment added with a laugh, “Or maybe my husband can sue for alienation of affection!”

I tried to remember the various Hanes’ underwear advertising slogans.

“Gentlemen … prefer Hanes!” from the 1980s; “Just wait’ll we get our Hanes on you!” from the 1990s’ and the current “Look who we’ve got our Hanes on now!” that features stars like Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen.

But none of Hanes’ underwear seem to involve little metal pieces that pop out and poke you in the eye.

“So … what kind of underwear do you like best?” I quizzed Husband-Head.

“The kind that lets me read the sports section and enjoy a beer in peace,” he said simply.

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at

Support Local Journalism

Support Local Journalism

Readers around Glenwood Springs and Garfield County make the Post Independent’s work possible. Your financial contribution supports our efforts to deliver quality, locally relevant journalism.

Now more than ever, your support is critical to help us keep our community informed about the evolving coronavirus pandemic and the impact it is having locally. Every contribution, however large or small, will make a difference.

Each donation will be used exclusively for the development and creation of increased news coverage.


Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User


Earth Day: a time for environmental justice

Thursday, April 22 marks the 51st Annual Earth Day or El día de la Tierra. This year, I am celebrating the renewed sense of urgency around environmental justice I see from community members, elected officials…

See more