Now you can work on a fantasy football BS
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
It’s only June, and already there’s talk about fantasy football.
I always thought it was just an irritating hobby of Husband-Head’s, but now it’s actually being offered as a college course.
I learned this when one of Husband-Head’s fantasy football buddies stopped by the house the other day and shoved a flyer in my hand. He didn’t tell me what it was about because he was laughing too hard.
Not knowing what in the world was so funny, I looked at the flyer after he left. It was an advertisement for a class at the local community college on – get this – how to play fantasy football.
I immediately called Husband-Head at work.
“They’re having a friggin’ class at the college to teach people how to play fantasy football!” I said in disbelief. “What is going on?”
“A CLASS on fantasy football?” Husband-Head said, also finding this incredibly humorous. “Who’s teaching it? We’ll have to invite the guy to come into our league and kick his butt!” As a longtime fantasy football enthusiast, Husband-Head pretty much feels he knows everything about how the game works. In fact, last year he was named the “commish” on his league, which he was quite proud of.
“I’m the COMMISH!” he announced after his appointment, beating his hands against his chest like Tarzan of the Jungle.
But by the end of the season, however, he was not so enthusiastic.
“What exactly does the ‘commish’ do?” I asked curiously. “Is he, like, the ‘Commish’ from the Batman movies?”
“No, no, no,” Husband-Head explained.” The Commish on fantasy football runs the league, takes the money and spends lots of time settling arguments amongst the players.”
“But I’m not the Commish this year, thank God,” he added, with a sigh of relief.
I couldn’t help but call the guy who was listed as being the instructor for the “Fantasy Football Is For Everyone” class.
And his wife – who also works at the college.
“Are you a football widow like me?” I asked Beth Zukowski, who, ironically, works as the marketing specialist for the college.
“I used to be a fan, but this has gotten way too intense,” she admitted.
Beth confessed that her husband’s fantasy football addiction went year-round – not just during football season. And that she was, indeed, a football widow. Like me. “He’s a (New England) Patriots fan, and he always has the garb and the hat,” Beth said. “But this other (fantasy football) stuff is ridiculous. The odd thing is that we don’t have cable TV – he can download games online and sometimes they are only broadcast in Japanese.”
I could only imagine that the worst scenario of fantasy football would be fantasy football in Japanese. …
However, Beth’s husband, Bryan, openly admitted that he could never get enough of fantasy football.
“You can never have enough Fantasy Football,” he said. “You kinda get engrossed in it. I’ve been involved for about 10 years. But back then, you didn’t really know what you were doing before the season began.”
The class he’s teaching promises to explore “the rage that is Fantasy Football – how to get started, set up a league, draft strategy, the NFL draft and more.”
“Are you going to take the class?” I asked Husband-Head, curiously.
“HELL no,” he said firmly. “I know how to play the game.”
And ask for money to do so, I thought silently in my head. …
Bryan said his class would be open to both beginners and experienced fantasy football players alike.
“It’s fun to compete and it’s even more fun when you know what you’re doing,” he explained.
Or if you have a lot of money.
Husband-Head was just happy that the college was even recognizing fantasy football.
“Now it’s a legitimate sport,” he nodded in agreement. “As it should be.”
And he still thought the whole idea of a college class on the subject was funny.
“What’s next?” he said with a laugh. “A beer-drinking class? Casino 101? Poker … Bingo …?”
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Purchase her book collection of columns, “Skully Says Shut It!” at http://www.heidirice.com, http://www.amazon.com, http://www.barnesandnoble.com or http://www.postindependent.com.
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