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Online summer shopping addictions

Fried Rice
Heidi Rice
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“OK, we have two new rules in this house,” Husband-Head said firmly. “One is that there will be no more appliances or toys that feature water and the other is that you will stop shopping online.”

I pouted at the thought of the latter.

“Then that means I’ll have to spend money on gas to actually go out and buy stuff,” I protested.



“No, that means you’ll just have to actually stop BUYING stuff,” Husband-Head said. “Don’t make me confiscate the checkbook and the credit cards.”

I felt like we were in that car commercial in which the salesman suggests to a couple that they look at the color options of the car online.



“Go ahead,” the woman nudges to her husband. “Tell him why you can’t do that.”

The man looks very uncomfortable, but finally confesses that he’s an online shopping addict.

“My name is Mark and I’m on online shopping addict,” he confesses.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the salesman says sincerely, with his fingers crossed behind his back.

But I knew that Husband-Head was all in a twit because my latest online purchase was a very large above-ground pool I’d ordered for the summer to replace the smaller one we’d had for years.

“What is it with you and pools, anyway?” Husband-Head asked. “Most women your age avoid the sun like the plague, but no, you want to play in the pool like a little kid. Why can’t you do age-appropriate stuff like alphabetizing the canned goods in the pantry?”

This was, clearly, not the time to tell him how much I’d spent on the pool.

A few days later, I received a call from the freight company that the delivery of the pool was going to be made at exactly sometime between 9 a.m. and noon that day ” kind of like the time frame you get from the phone company as to when your service will be turned back on.

I called Husband-Head at work.

“They’re coming sometime within the next three hours and the package weighs more than 600 pounds and they’ll only put it on the curb,” I informed him. “What do I do?”

“How BIG of a pool did you order?” Husband-Head demanded to know. “You can’t just leave it on the sidewalk!”

I wasn’t too worried that someone was going to run away with a 600-pound package.

I ended up getting a buddy of his to help with the delivery, but now it still had to be put together.

“Why is it that I’m always having to deal with water features?” Husband-Head complained. “If it’s not the pool, it’s the hot tub … or the fountain … or the ice maker … or the ponds … If it has anything to do with water, it breaks!”

I couldn’t hear his rantings because I was already upstairs on the computer.

The 600 pounds of pool sat on the back of our pickup truck for a couple of days before Husband-Head could get around to it.

“How come it isn’t done yet?” I badgered. “I need to float and work on my tan!”

I got the feeling the only reason Husband-Head would put up the pool would be to drown me in it.

“So now I have to completely level the ground,” he explained in his talking-to-kindergarten-children voice. “Then I have to put up the walls, install the pumps and put in the liner. It should be done in, oh … about five minutes.”

He turned around so I couldn’t see and laughed.

“Gosh, I wonder what our water bill will be when we finish filling the pool,” I mused out loud, knowing that the thought would make him mad.

All of a sudden, Husband-Head wasn’t laughing at all.

“That’s it ” you’re not to buy anything more online,” he insisted. “This is getting ridiculous. Unless it has to do with football, it’s off limits.”

I was silent upstairs at the computer.

“What are you doing?” Husband-Head demanded to know. “You better not be up there ordering anything, you online shopping junkie!”

My name is Heidi and I’m an online shopping addict …

I shut down the computer, but the lemon and lime fruit slice floats for the pool I’d just ordered were going to look really cool.

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.


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