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Save your marriage with super glue

“Honey, are you still in love with me after all these years?” I asked husband-head nonchalantly, as I thumbed through a women’s magazine and stopped at an interesting article.Husband-head eyeballed me suspiciously.”Is this one of those trick questions like the ‘does-this-make-me-look-fat’ one?” he replied, his eyes narrowing.”No,” I retorted. “But we’ve been married for a long time – I was just wondering.””Of course I love you – I’m still HERE, aren’t I?” he said in a tone of voice that indicated it was a stupid question.I wasn’t listening because I had become engrossed in the story.”Would you let me shave you?” I asked after a few minutes.Husband-head looked horrified at the thought.”You mean, would I let you put a razor at my throat? No way – I’ve seen the scars on your legs …”I looked at the magazine article again.”Ok then, how about if we play a game of poker?” I suggested enthusiastically. “I’ll even deal.”Husband-head practically spit up the beer he was drinking in mid-swallow and let out a good guffaw.”Let’s just say that you have no more of an idea how to play poker than I know how to play Barbie,” he pointed out. “What the hell are you reading, anyway?”It was an article in Redbook magazine entitled “What Keeps A Husband Crazy In Love.” In it were a variety of suggestions on ways to “super-glue your marriage.””Redbook has compiled an essential list of wifely skills guys love,” it stated.Along with the barbershop shave and learning to play poker like one of the guys, it also suggested learning how to make the steak of his dreams.”No,” husband-head disagreed. “That’s not a good one. You almost blew yourself up last time you tried to operate the grill.”Another one suggested to “tie his tie for him” because “it’s such a sexy, retro, little-wifey move.”Maybe so, but I wasn’t sure it applied to husband-head’s Bugs Bunny tie – the only one he owns.”Wake him up in the morning,” was next on the list. “So he’ll start his day with a smile – at the very least.””I don’t think they’re talking about your method of hucking a pillow at me and screaming ‘It’s TIME!'” husband-head said.He wasn’t too keen on the next two suggestions either.”Have a conversation with his boss,” the article suggested. “Because he or she is the adult who, after you, matters most in your husband’s daily life.””Absolutely not,” husband-head disagreed. “I would rather you talk to my boss as little as possible. It was embarrassing enough at the Christmas party last year when you offered to show him your tattoo.”The wine must have been flowing because I don’t even HAVE a tattoo …”Leave him a sexy voicemail at work,” followed afterwards. “So he’ll have a really compelling reason to get home on time.”Typically, I call husband-head at work to either remind him that the dogs need to go on a walk or just to mess with his head.”Honey … let’s talk about our relationship,” I’ll coo, while he’s right in the middle of a business meeting. Typically, he hangs up on me.Out of the whole list, though, there were two items that he completely agreed with – give him a sensual back rub and strip.”Now THOSE are things you should definitely do,” husband-head said approvingly.So I put on a sheer nightie, told him to lay on his stomach and proceeded to rub super-glue all over him.Heidi Rice is a Rifle correspondent for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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