Shopping for lady bugs and lap dogs
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado
The weird thing about Husband-Head is that while he can barely stand to shop in the grocery store or ” God forbid ” in a department store in a mall, he has absolutely no problem perusing classified advertisements on the Internet.
And for some reason, he feels it necessary to forward his findings to me at home.
“Free Lady Bugs” was one of the latest, which apparently appeared on Craig’s List, posted by someone from Silt.
The ad literally read: “I bought 5,000 lady bugs online and when I opened them up to set them to the task of eating aphids off my outdoor plants, the lil sumbitches flew every witch way they wanted … if you catch them you can have them!”
I immediately called Husband-Head at work after receiving the email.
“What the …?” I asked him. “FREE lady bugs? Who the hell pays for freakin’ lady bugs? That’d be like buying ants or something. Although, I guess people purchase manure and that doesn’t sound right, either.” Husband-Head couldn’t really respond because he was laughing too hard.
“Lil sumbitches!” he finally sputtered.
And how does one determine which lady bugs are the free ones this guy is giving away and which ones aren’t?
The next day, Husband-Head e-mailed me something from yet another one of his e-mail travels.
“Free to good home. Precious two- or three-year-old Dachshund mix. Good with kids, cats and dogs. DISLIKES HUSBAND! Pictures available.”
Husband-Head nearly wet himself laughing over this one.
“The dog hates the husband!” he said, cracking up over the phone after he sent it to me. “Why in the world would your pet hate you?”
I had no idea, but in a way it sounded rather sad.
On the other hand, we have a cranky cat who doesn’t like me all that much, either, but adores Husband-Head. She pretends to like me in the morning because I dole out all the pet food, but then she runs back to Husband-Head while he’s in bed, purrs and sucks up to him while she lies on his furry chest.
Obviously, they have a weird fur thing going. …
But I was really curious about the dog who hated the husband and because they live in my hometown, I decided to call.
“It was our first dog,” Stephanie Pasternak of Rifle informed me. “We got him from the pound and had him for about two months. The kids and I adored him.” However, the dog did not seem to adore Stephanie’s husband, Robert.
“As soon as he would see my husband, he would begin barking, snorting, growling and pooping,” Stephanie confessed.
She described her husband as a “very big guy” who was “loud.” And apparently the relationship was mutual as Robert didn’t really like the dog, either.
Husband-Head got a hoot out of this as well.
“What kind of dog doesn’t like you?” he said, still laughing at the thought. “Dogs like everybody! That’s like having a baby hate you. …”
Clearly, there must be something wrong with the drinking water in western Colorado.
Nevertheless, Husband-Head continued to send me things over the Internet that he was either buying or looking to buy.
“Are you having a slow day at work?” I asked at one point. “Perhaps Craig’s List is not such a good thing.”
For those who aren’t aware, Craig’s List was started in 1995 as a hobby by a guy named Craig Newmark in San Francisco and is visited by about 50 million people each month.
But Craig’s List isn’t the only Internet site Husband-Head frequents. He also makes a lot of purchases on eBay ” thinking that I don’t know about them. For some reason he doesn’t realize that I receive e-mail messages that congratulate me on what I just bought.
“You bought this item on eBay ” it’s all yours ” now you just need to pay,” the PayPal message popped up on my computer.
After opening it, I discovered that Husband-Head had just purchased a vinyl decal sticker for $2.99 to put on his new car that said “TAZ” with a cartoon logo. I assume he did this because the letters on his new license plates read “TAZ.”
I may shop a lot at Victoria’s Secret and other catalogs, but at least I don’t buy lady bugs, mean dogs or stupid decals. …
Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Her book collection of columns, “Skully Says SHUT IT!” is available for purchase at the Post Independent or through her website at http://www.heidirice.com.
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