Sing or snore your way onto American Idol |

Sing or snore your way onto American Idol

Fried Rice
Heidi Rice
Glenwood Springs, CO Colorado

“I think I’m going to try out for American Idol next year,” I informed husband-head as we sat down to dinner and turned on the TV to watch the show. “I wonder if the auditions will be held anywhere around here.”

I’ve watched American Idol since it’s inception seven years ago. Husband-head watches with me for the humor factor and the fact that football is basically over when the show starts in mid-January.

But husband-head looked rather aghast at my announcement.

“No offense honey, but you can’t sing at all,” he said gently, horrified at the idea of me singing on national TV. “The pets all run out of the room when you belt out ‘Poor Cinderella’ while cleaning house.”

“She never had time, she never had time … she never had time to PLAY!” I responded, singing out the verse at the top of my lungs, trying to prove him wrong.

“You snore better than you sing,” husband-head said, covering his ears.

Actually, I’m aware that I have no vocal abilities. But then, neither do the majority of people who try out for American Idol ” many who don’t seem to even realize it.

This season, take for example, the auditions in Philadelphia.

With a completely straight face, one guy could have been a stand-up comic with his rendition of “Let My People Go” in which he mumbled the phrase incoherently over and over again, soundling like he had marbles in his mouth.

Another man attempted the BeeGees hit “How Deep Is Your Love” in which he got the words wrong and sang completely out of tune. He also informed the cringing judges ” Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson ” that he thought he did a good job.

“That song wasn’t good when the BeeGees did it!” husband-head cried out in disgust. “I sure hope they pay those judges well for having to listen to all this crap.”

Last I heard, Cowell was making $1 million per season.

In San Diego, the Idol hopefuls included a guy in a poncho singing along with a mime, a chick who truly believed she was “da bomb” while singing a sappy rendition of Phil Collins’ song “Against All Odds;” and a woman who simply stood and sang an unrecognizable song that consisted of repeating “Hallelujah” over and over and over in no particular tune.

Then, of course, there was the Mariah Carey wannabe and the guy who had tried out for American Idol 11 times …

At the Dallas auditions, there was the large man dressed up like a large girl singing Bonnie Tyler’s “Turn Around,” not to be outdone by the dude that sounded like a severely wounded animal.

But the prize so far for the worst performance has to go to “Birdman” at the Dallas auditions ” a Phillipino man named Renaldo Lapuz who was dressed in a white feathered costume, complete with a feathered hat. Lapuz performed a song he had written called “I Am Your Brother.”

“I AM your bruhhh-uh-therrr, your BEST friend for-evvv-rrr,” the bird guy screeched, while Jackson in jest joined in on the song, singing and waving his arms side to side.

And even though Lapuz didn’t make it to the next round in Hollywood this season, he still may have a chance at fame and fortune.

Look at William Hung in 2004 for Pete’s sake! He ended up being just as famous for NOT being able to sing as any of the competition’s winners.

According to ” the Asian-American Hung, who in the 2004 season of American Idol butchered Ricky Martin’s song “She Bangs” ” has records for sale such as “I Believe I Can Fly” ( not sing?), “Hangin’ With Hung” (no comment) and “Hung for the Holidays (a dirty Christmas movie?).

Of course, the Amazon site for Hung also says that people who enjoyed these recordings also purchased the “Very Best of David Hasselhoff.”

Uhh … yeah.

And on Idol last year there was the 17-year-old Sanjaya Malakar, whose only talent was his hair, but nevertheless made it into the top 10 finalists before he was cut.

“Aren’t these people embarrassed?” husband-head said as we watched the latest round of auditions in Charleston. “Surely they must have some clue that they can’t sing.”

Maybe not, but the potential fame and fortune must make it all worth it.

“I am your Wye-eye-eyfe, your ball and chain for Lye-eye-eyfe!” I sang out.

Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her website at

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