State of the Household address
“Husband-head, Wyatt, Weber and Kitty Pepper,” I ordered in a stern voice, addressing my crew after gathering them all in the kitchen for a meeting. “I am here to give you an update on the state of affairs in our house.” Husband-head yawned, Weber and Wyatt looked around and drooled, hoping that food was going to be involved. Pepper, on the other hand, decided it was a good time to groom herself.But having listened to the annual State of the Union address by the president just a couple weeks prior, I decided it would be a good time to re-evaluate our family goals and look at where we were going and what we had accomplished.”As you all know, we have been blessed with new technological advances that allow the gray in my hair to be completely covered, which has obviously occurred as a result of taking care of all of you,” I started, reading off the cheat sheet I had prepared, using prompts from the president’s speech. “Therefore, this job might not look as stressful as it is …”Everyone just stood there, not looking at me or saying a word.”America’s economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation, thanks to to the amount of food the four of you consume,” I started. “In the past four years, we’ve PERSONALLY provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes, because none of you has the decency to be a tax write-off, which means we pay up the ying-yang every year …”No applause. No cheers.Still looking at my presidential cheat sheet, I moved on to the household budget.”Futhermore, our new family budget will substantially reduce or eliminate the things that you people do that are not getting results or do not fulfill essential priorities,” I continued with conviction. “No more beer or sports channels. No more chewy-bones or cat-nip.”That got their attention.Husband-head stopped farming around in his pants and the dogs quit licking their private parts. The cat, on the other hand, was consumed with the hairball she’d gotten from grooming herself.”Taxpayer dollars must be spent wisely or not at all,” I summed up.The president got applause at this statement – I got nothing.”So then, that means you’ll have no more $200 trips to the hairdresser?” husband-head offered, speaking for the whole gang.The dogs lifted their paws in a high-five and then drenched the cat in drool.”Shut up, or I’ll take you all quail hunting,” I threatened. “And I’ll make it look like an accident.”I decided to forego the employment portion of the president’s speech and the importance of entrepreneurs, because I didn’t want to encourage husband-head to quit his job and start his own professional fantasy football league.Likewise, the president’s health reform statements didn’t seem to apply, so I made up my own.”You eat your lima beans and you guys eat your Iams,” I pointed at husband-head and the pets. “No more trips to the doctor or the vet.””And if we don’t?” husband-head ventured.”Then you’ll just have to die,” I said succinctly, crossing my arms over my chest.I peered over at the next subject on the presidential cheat sheet.”To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy,” it said.Husband-head’s eyes lit up.”If you make me eat lima beans, I can provide you with all KINDS of affordable, environmentally responsible energy!”Pewwww.The next part of the president’s speech, while important, dealt with Social Security issues, which I didn’t feel applied to my motto of “I’m not here for a long time – I’m here for a good time.”That phrase always makes my mom mad …”Do we need to address any HIV/AIDS or gang-related issues?” I asked, again looking at the presidential speech. “Or is everybody OK with just not throwing up on the floor?”Actually, husband-head had started watching “King of Queens” on TV and the pets had long since gone to sleep on the couch.God bless the state of our household …Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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