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Straight Up

Bob Richardson

Without a doubt the worst news since 9/11 is the proposed formation of the Homeland Security Department. The reason I say that is the president appears to be actually serious about it and everyone in Washington who talks about it does so with a straight face!

Is Washington, D.C., truly brain-dead or just suffering from the familiar delusions of grandeur? Or both? The Keystone Cops (Mueller, FBI, and Tenet, CIA) and Congress: what a combination – a truly lethal one, as they say.

Hello – was 9/11 a dream or was it all of these guys and girls who were asleep at the switch back then and for at least a decade before? And what good does it do to put yet another unqualified politician, Tom Ridge, in the equation, especially with $37 BILLION in his jeans?

The only thing I know about him is that he is a gun-control advocate, so how could anyone who thinks only criminals in this country should be armed, protect us? Go figure.

I have been ranting and raving lately about our colossally incompetent federal government – at all levels, no exceptions – but now it’s getting serious, folks.

Having the Homeland Security Department would be like having a bad doctor. You are better off with no doctor at all than having a bad one, because then at least you know you have to look out for yourself, and you aren’t lulled into a false sense of well-being, or actually going backwards with bad advice.

Someone offer up one fact, any piece of evidence, to suggest that this boondoggle will be anything but exactly that.

Osama Bin Laughin’ is the name of this game. He’s gotta be cracking up. We might as well have the IRS just give him the keys. I say the IRS because they are the only outfit even remotely capable of finding him, and it has NEVER let the Constitution stand in its way!

And the worst of it, folks, is that no one is even talking about doing the few simple things which are the sine qua non of “homeland security:”

1. Expelling from our borders ALL illegal aliens – even the Mexican ones, Mr. President. Of course we can’t even locate over 300,000 of them, and these are aliens who have been ordered deported!

2. Actually controlling our borders – keeping `em out in the first place. Duh.

3. Racially profiling all young Arab-descent males between the ages of 18-35. Good Lord, I actually said it (and haven’t been struck by lightning yet).

Not doing this is like trying to prevent a robbery with the door unlocked and the store full of people, some of whom are robbers, but you can’t profile and deal with the people with guns and masks because that would be discriminatory! Tell me that is not an exact parallel. And you keep a straight face also.

For the bleeding-heart liberals (and don’t they all have wonderful hearts, folks so kind and caring, sensitive, enlightened, unselfish and morally superior) who obviously would rather be dead than politically incorrect, imagine with me for a moment that terrorists were all extra-terrestrial and looked like E.T. instead of Arabs. And most of them were citizens and some of them innocent, we just didn’t know which ones.

Would it be OK to first of all just notice them? That they looked a certain way?

How about talking to them kind of carefully at the airports or anytime, anywhere they had a suitcase or backpack, instead of frisking my now barefooted 88-year-old mother and confiscating her emery board?

Could we then gather them to the side if we weren’t sure about them and even prevent them from boarding? Would that be reasonable?

I would be there – with a totally clear conscience – to say, “I’m sorry, everyone, but we are at war and every mother’s son who is trying to do us in looks exactly like you, and we actually call them enemies, not temporarily, ethnically inconvenienced/disadvantaged! And if any of you are involved in killing or terrorizing our fellow Americans, we might even punish you. Somehow. Some time. Sorta, maybe, if the press will let us. But in any event, later than sooner.

“Or – there’s a press plane at the next gate with pilots who look like you, don’t speak English, who we ourselves trained, maybe even to take off and land as well as fly low, and the passengers will be more than happy to hug you and let you board. And you can keep your shoes on your feet and box knives in your pockets, because those press types don’t want to discriminate against you! In fact, if that plane happens to not be a missile and you actually land and are released, those press folks will take your pictures, write warm and fuzzy stories about you and not so warm and fuzzy ones about mean, selfish and prejudiced Americans like me.

“Oh, and all of us will pay for attorneys for those of you who are actually terrorists. But if you are just a citizen whom we have wronged, screw you. Shut up and pay your taxes!”

Thanks for listening.

Glenwood Springs resident Bob Richardson’s column runs every other Friday in the Post Independent.


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