Stupid holiday gifts that are sure to impress this year
“Don’t even THINK about asking for anything electronic this Christmas,” husband-head warned as I perused the circulars with their holiday sales. “It can have batteries, but it cannot plug into an outlet.”Grinch.”So a food processor or an espresso machine is out of the question?” I pouted.”Does it have a plug?” he asked and I nodded. “Then you can’t have it.”Actually, I knew what he was so upset about. It seems that husband-head and I don’t have very good luck with electrical appliances or gadgets. Perhaps we have bad electro-magnetic juju or something, but things just don’t want to work for us.In fact, in the last month, we’ve had to fix or replace at least six different appliances or electronic devices.First, the microwave wouldn’t turn on. Then the dishwasher refused to clean the dishes. The gas woodstove went out and needed a new ignitor, the modem on my computer wouldn’t let me on the Internet, the hairdryer blew up and the cordless phones were filled with static.”This is RIDICULOUS!” husband-head shouted after the most recent incident when his car stereo was stolen while he had carpooled with a co-worker and left his car at the park and ride. “We are not buying anything electrical ever again!”Unfortunately, electronic gadgets are hard to avoid and are expected to be one of the most popular gifts this Christmas.The Associated Press reports that according to an annual U.S. survey, computers are number one on consumer wish lists, followed by peace and happiness as second and big screen TVs coming in third.”COMPUTERS come before peace and happiness?” I said with shock to husband-head. “What’s this world coming to?””I don’t know. Pretty soon, we’ll probably be walking around wishing everyone a ‘Merry Megabyte,'” husband-head shrugged.But consumer electronics are big and another news report said that most people will give at least one electronic gift this Christmas.”Not me,” husband-head said firmly. “No electronics. Everyone gets a stuffed animal this year.”But for those who aren’t big into the high-tech scene, there are always really stupid gifts you can give, as evidenced by a Web site called, appropriately enough, Stupid.com.Earlier this week, Stupid.com released it’s “Stupidest Holiday Gifts for 2007 List.””Finding the perfect holiday gift might be difficult, but finding a truly stupid gift is an art form,” according to Stupid.com’s founder, Gary Apple.The stupidest gifts include:• Mistletoe to Go: Apparently for $7.99 you can put faux mistletoe on your forehead with a suction cup. Hopefully, the mistletoe wearer is taller than the subject to be kissed or there could be a huge misunderstanding …• The Hillary Nutcracker: Place the nut between Hillary’s legs and squeeze. Bill must absolutely cringe at this one. Love her or hate her, it’s a great gift for Democrats and Republicans alike for only $21.99.• Slingshot Monkey: Now husband-head would probably think this was a cool gift as it involves a combination of a slingshot and a stuffed monkey dressed like a superhero. Apparently, the monkey flies up to 50 feet and SCREAMS along the way! Those who liked the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz will probably enjoy this. Price is $6.99.• Larry Craig Action Figure: The 12-inch talking Senator Larry Craig Action Figure wears a T-shirt that proclaims, “I Am Not Gay.” His limbs are bendable so you can place him in a bathroom stall with his foot poking into the one beside it. Best of all, he talks and delivers a portion of his press conference. Price is $34.99.• Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon Candy: This product comes packaged the same way as real bacon. In fact, it even LOOKS like real bacon. Forget the colored little bears that you’re used to … next thing you know, they’ll come out with gummy EGGS!• Inflatable Moosehead: Why suffer in a cold hunting camp tracking moose when you can simply inflate this “big game” head and mount it on the wall of your home or office? For $19.99, it makes a wonderful gift for your friends in the NRA.• Electronic Yodeling Pickle: Move over Claussen, this 6 1/2-inch plastic pickle belts out a yodel when you press its button. This would be a wonderful addition to your next party in which hallucinogenic drugs are used – just for $12.99.These are just a few helpful ideas for this year’s holiday gifts that will bring joy and smiles to the faces of your friends and loved ones.Now, I have to tell husband-head that the vacuum cleaner isn’t working …Heidi Rice is a staff writer for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday, Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.
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I’m not often given to public displays of affection, but on the morning of Monday, July 19, I felt it necessary to give an old and dear friend a proper send off.