Taking a swing at the dating game
Crazy cat lady is back.Or in my case, crazy dog lady.Yet again, my fears of living out my days without a soul mate just me and a freakishly dependent set of pets are back in full force thanks to a return to singledom. To my mother’s disappointment (you know you are, Mom) and my ex-boyfriend’s relief, I’m back in the so-called game.Batter up.This time around, though, pitches are flying by a little too fast. I have yet to bring anything even resembling my A-game to practice, let alone to the contest. Admittedly, I’m much better at wearing the boyfriend’s letter jacket than playing the field.That’s why I’ve devised a few rules to keep me grounded and level-headed when it comes to the game of love. Rule No.1: I will not give a guy my phone number if I have to write it on the following items: his bare chest, a matchbook or a bar napkin. That is so last Saturday. Rule No. 2: I will not date anyone 10 years older or 10 years younger than me. The only exceptions are my friend Kendra’s hot 21-year-old brother and George Clooney. Rule No. 3: I will not try to impress guys with my dry, sarcastic humor unless they are “South Park” creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, or brothers Luke and Owen Wilson. OK, and Matthew McConaughey I heard he loves a good, old-fashioned smart alec. Rule No. 4: I will not hang out with guys from a Hollywood film crew who say stuff like, “This one night I was playing pool with Pink, then Linda Perry from the 4 Non Blondes got mad and punched me in the stomach 87 times.” Like urinating in public, name-dropping should be a crime. Rule No. 5: I will not date a guy who has spent more money on sporting equipment than he ever has on a girl he loved. Great, that’s every man in Colorado. Rule No. 6: I will not try to be funny by telling guys I just peed in the pool while hanging out at a really nice hotel in Vegas. See Rule No. 3. Rule No. 7: I will not accept a date from anyone who uses a cheesy pickup line seriously. An example is this lame one from a discussion of the meaning of people’s first names at the Black Nugget: “My name means horny and single. Uh, what I really meant was you have really pretty eyes.” Rule No. 8: I will not date anyone who lives with their parents or has never purchased a piece of furniture on his own. A folding camp chair does not count. Rule No. 9: I will not let my friends approach a guy I’ve been eying and let them do all the talking. They’re prone to accepting dares especially the double-dog variety and seeing how red my face turns by making embarrassing statements such as “She wants to have your babies,” and “April just peed in the pool.” Rule No. 10: I will always look out for No. 1 (not the rule, me, silly).Game on.April E. Clark is learning to play rugby to take her mind off that other game. She can be reached at 945-8515, ext. 518, or email@example.com.
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