Terms of endearment, à la Rice | PostIndependent.com

Terms of endearment, à la Rice

Fried Rice
Heidi Rice

“PID-A-POO!” husband-head shouted as he crossed the lawn on his way to work the other morning.

“You PID-A-POO!” I hollered back from the doorway.

We smiled at each other and waved good-bye, knowing that no one else knew our secret little code phrase.

It means, “It’s-your-turn-to-pick-up-the-damn-poo-in-the-yard” which is left behind by our two large Labs, Weber and Wyatt. And despite his orders, husband-head always ends up doing it, going through the yard with a shovel like someone on an Easter egg hunt …

Like a lot of married couples or those who have been in a long-term relationship, we have our own phrases and names for things, the meanings of which are known only to us. For example, many people will greet others at the start of the day with the customary “good morning.” We pass each other in the kitchen and say, “Yeah, RIGHT!” This can mean anything from “yeah, right ” it’s about time you got your butt out of bed and went to work” to “yeah, right ” your hair doesn’t look all that great, either!”

“Granny kiss” is a term for when we give each other one of those pecks halfway between the side of the mouth and the cheek like you did to your grandmother, trying to avoid the hair on her lips.

“Thanks sonny,” I said, patting husband-head on the noggin after a particularly nice granny kiss, which basically involved brushing his beard against my face.

Another favorite phrase is “Oh … my … GAWD!” This is usually done by one party from the other room to indicate that they have, er, passed wind. The louder it’s said, the better the reaction from the other person. Of course, you don’t have to actually flatulate to say it. It’s just fun to get the other person all worked up, thinking you did.

“That’s DISGUSTING!” husband-head will yell back, even though there is absolutely no evidence.

And because the other person doesn’t know if it’s true or not, it’s fun to say it repeatedly to make it seem like you have a huge problem …

Many couples have pet names for each other that they use mostly in private, thank God. These may include endearments such as “Snookums,” “Jam Tart,” “Boo,” “Hunny Bunny,” “Sweet Cheeks” and “Doll Face.”

“HEY LADY!” is husband-head’s special pet name for me when he wants another beer while checking his fantasy football stats on the computer.

“Yo … dude … or whatever the hell your name is,” is what I call him when dinner is ready …

And sometimes, when we’re in the mood, we’ll even sing secret little love songs to each other to express our innermost thoughts and feelings.

“Crazy … toys in the attic … she is crazy,” husband-head will softly sing, adapting the words to the old Pink Floyd tune.

After which I’ll point out that I’M not the one who dances in time to the rhythm of the washing machine’s spin cycle …

If I get bored, oftentimes I’ll ask husband-head annoying little questions ” which are especially effective if he is, say, trying to sleep in on the weekend.

“Honey, let’s talk about our relationship,” I suggested, even though it was 6 a.m. on a Saturday.

“STIFLE!” he retorted as he flipped over and put the pillow on top of his head.

“What do you mean by that?” I came into the room and wanted to know.

“That’s what Archie Bunker used to say to Edith,” husband-head explained. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before now …”

But it’s the private little terms of endearment couples share that make a relationship special. When husband-head came home that evening, he gave me the perfunctory granny kiss on the cheek.

“How was your day?” he smiled. “Did you pid-a-poo?”

Heidi Rice is a Rifle correspondent for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.

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