The undiscovered brunette next door
April E. Clark
Hi, my name is Bridget.
In conjunction with my unexplainable attraction to watching “The Girls Next Door” on E! Entertainment Television, I went online to find out which of the three Hugh Hefner girlfriends I would be. For those unfamiliar, the reality show documents day-to-day life at Hef’s Playboy Mansion with his three girlfriends.
Three buxom, blonde girlfriends can do wonders for an 80-year-old.
One average-size brunette ” not so much.
According to the results of the “Which One Would You Be?” online quiz, I would be Bridget Marquardt, aka “Ms. Smarty Pants.” Like Bridget, I love to cuddle with puppy dogs and get crowds going at themed parties. As a Bridget match, I’m also described as Katie Couric’s near-equal ” if Katie and I were Marilyn Monroe-blonde and our breasts were surgically enhanced, of course. I apparently like to shop for “one-of-a-kind polka-dot bikinis,” too.
How weird. That sounds exactly like me.
I just saved $75 for a psychic reading.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely honest on some of the questions because at times there weren’t answers I would really choose. Too bad I couldn’t make up my own. For example:
a. A temple
b. Your man’s temple
c. Way more rock-hard than any freakin’ temple
d. April’s real answer: Rock-hard in the sense of the old, crumbly kind of rock
a. Put on fun costumes and chat with your kitty cat
b. Plot revenge against your boyfriend’s exes
c. Who has free time when they work out all the time?
d. April’s real answer: Twirl the baton in a Barney costume, play rugby naked and memorize one-liners from Mel Brooks movies
a. So much fun. You just love it
b. Most fun when it’s for your beau
c. A pain in your bum
d. April’s real answer: Pretty lame when your budget’s like $20.13 and the only place you can afford to shop is Target
a. Let your older sister deal with the fall out from the old fogies
b. Call daddy and apologize in your best baby voice
c. Have another shot of tequila and flash anyone who’ll watch
d. April’s real answer: Pretend you have amnesia, go by the name of Hippie from the Glenwood Defiance rugby team, and temporarily forget what street you live on
a. Missing a nude photo shoot
b. Your boyfriend talking to another girl
c. Losing a tennis match
d. April’s real answer: Losing a tennis match, while in the nude, as your boyfriend is talking to another girl, naked and blonde
a. Beautiful, 100-percent natural rack
b. Framed picture of your boyfriend
c. Rock-hard buns
d. April’s real answer: My beautiful, 100-percent natural rack and framed picture of my boyfriend with rock-hard buns
b. Valentine’s Day
c. Super Bowl Sunday
d. April’s real answer: St. Patrick’s Day. Or is it Arbor Day? It’s a toss-up
a. Join the party
b. Keep this party under control
c. Get this party started
d. April’s real answer: Devise a fake bachelorette party with your girlfriends to get as much free stuff as possible from drunk guys in Vegas
a. A little scary, gulp
b. Not a problem, but does my nose look funny?
c. A piece of cake! I’m naked right now!
d. April’s real answer: Not ever going to happen again until I’m married. Paris Hilton and I have made a celibacy pact ” and we totally mean it this time.
a. Cute! But everyone is cute, even brunettes. I love all people
b. Threatening. But I can handle it
c. Fun, duh
d. April’s real answer: Not half as much fun as brunettes ” and way more threatening ” duh
d. April’s real answer: Big dummy
Somehow I don’t see myself dating Hef and living at the Playboy Mansion any time soon. It must be the brown hair.
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