They fought ‘The Law’ …
Over at The Citizen Telegram, Rifle’s weekly paper, we run a cop-shop report like most newspapers. Ours is called “The Law,” culled from Garfield County and Rifle Police cases. We recently overhauled the piece, trading out the copy describing crimes committed (which always seems to read pretty much the same) with a map and a legend. In the legend, we identify different types of crime (i.e. Active Warrant Arrests, Burglaries, Driving Infractions, Youth Offenses, etc.) by different assigning different colors. And at the bottom of our legend, we added a category called Stupid Attack.After all, there are some crimes that are so inane, and so ridiculous that they can’t be simply described as Criminal Mischief or Substance Abuse. They’re Stupid Attacks, plain and simple. Although, some readers called and came by, chuckling about our Stupid Attack category, others weren’t so humored. Stupid Attack was short-lived. Apparently, people called the Rifle Police Department, offended by the term. Since the Rifle PD didn’t even make up the moniker, we didn’t want them taking the hits. So we only published “The Law” with that category a few times before we pulled it.But where do we put crimes like these gems? Case in point: Take the guy traveling on Interstate 70 near Rifle on July 2. He was found, right out in broad daylight, pulling up a mile marker sign – specifically Mile Marker 111. Rule one: If you’re going to blatantly take public property, don’t do it in the middle of the day. Just so happens, a Garfield County Sheriff’s deputy wandered by and saw the guy stealing the sign. And the best part is that the case report lists the guy’s address as – you guessed it – 111 Whatever Ave. (not his real street name). It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that he was doing a little home improvement. Only problem is, he was stealing and got slapped with a summons. This next one is as stupid as it is diabolic. I mean, do some people want to go to hell so badly they’re making certain the devil is aware of how nasty they are? Supposedly, suspects going through Rifle’s McDonald’s on July 6 weren’t there for a Happy Meal. Instead, they stole the Ronald McDonald Charity House box. They stole from Ronald – that’s the goofy guy who builds houses for sick children’s families to stay in during kids’ hospital stays. I mean, come on. Have you no soul whatsoever? And if that’s not stupid, then what is? We’ve been thinking since we pulled Stupid Attack that there must be another way to highlight senseless, lamebrained, inane acts. This stuff is too truly incomprehensible not to share. But if people were offended by Stupid Attack, do you think they’ll be equally as perturbed by substituting another descriptive word? How about making a (Moronic, Imbecilic, Daft, Asinine, Fill-in-Your-Favorite-Term) Crime of the Week? Carrie Click is the editor and general manager of The Citizen Telegram in Rifle (citizentelegram.com). She’s done a lot of stupid things, but none of them has (as yet) landed her in the police blotter. Carrie can be reached at 625-3245, ext. 101, firstname.lastname@example.org.
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