To each character his own Christmas card
What in the world are you doing? Husband-Head asked last weekend as I sat at the dining room table with a bunch of different cards in front of me. You look like youre about to play a giant game of solitaire.I thought it was pretty obvious what I was doing.Obviously, Im writing out Christmas cards, I said. Its a holiday tradition we have here in America. You should try it sometime.Yeah, but most people have one or two boxes of cards in front of them when they do it, Husband-Head insisted. Not eight …But unlike pantihose, I do not subscribe to the one-size-fits-all theory. The same card that goes to my former raunchy bar buddies does not, say, go to the local police chief.Different types of people get different kinds of cards, I explained patiently to Husband-Head. The cards all have their own significance.Husband-Head looked at me as if I was making a way bigger deal out of a relatively simple task than it needed to be.OK, so what does this one signify? he asked, picking up a card that showed a dog about to pee on a horrified looking snowman.I dunno, I shrugged. Sometimes youre the bug and sometimes youre the windshield?Another card showed Santa getting tanked at a wine tasting with a bunch of reindeer.Uncork a happy holiday season! the inside read.This one went out to all your girlfriends, Im sure, Husband-Head said knowingly.But there are an infinite number of cards to choose from with themes that run from the religious sentiments to the lets-not-even-acknowledge-its-Christmas card. And then there are specialized cards geared toward a number of specific occupations such as attorneys, doctors, dentists and even the IRS.Theres even a financial one for people involved in the stock market, I pointed out to Husband-Head, showing him a card that featured a picture of Santa with a bear on one side and a bull on the other.The inside of the card read May the New Year bring you happiness.May you not lose your butt in the New Year would have been more appropriate. The cover should be a photo of Santa clutching a wad of cash looking terrified on a roller coaster ride, Husband-Head agreed.As of this writing, there was not yet a card for those in the auto industry. …Those will come out as money-holder cards, Husband-Head assured me.Then I pulled out another box of cards.And I saved these to send to all your sports-loving buddies! I said proudly.A Green Bay Packers holiday card? he asked in disbelief. But the Packers arent doing that well this year!Too late.My favorite cards are the ones that dont come in the box that I pick out for my special friends.Before opening the door for her man wearing only a Santa hat, Jan maybe should have checked the peephole, one card read, featuring a naked woman from the back with a Santa hat on and a bunch of shocked Christmas carolers at the front door.Another card featured Santa and a couple of reindeer on one side of a pitched roof, while another reindeer pointed out what was happening on the other side.Oh … my … gosh, the reindeer said. Look what Dasher and Vixen are doing!The caption underneath read that Sometimes the reindeer do more than just pause up on the house top. …When I was finished with all my cards, I stacked them neatly in a pile.OK, now I have another problem, I informed Husband-Head. What kind of stamps do I put on them?Umm, the kind that has the correct amount of postage? he ventured. Thats where Id start.Then he hesitated for a moment.By the way, why are you writing a Christmas card to the local police chief? he asked curiously. What did you do now?Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Meet Heidi and Husband-Head at a signing of her new book Skully Says Shut It! Life, Love and Laughter with Husband-Head from 4-6 p.m. on Saturday, Dec. 13, at Wingnutz Bar & Grill in Rifle. Visit her website at http://www.heidirice.com.
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