Trying to be a green goddess in my salad days |

Trying to be a green goddess in my salad days

April in GlenwoodApril E. ClarkGlenwood Springs, CO Colorado

I’m making an effort, but it is embarrassingly small.And I’m not talking about contributions to my 401K.That’s the verdict from Comedy Central’s Address the Mess quiz I recently took online at feeling guilty about throwing away some plastic bottles recently, I decided to decipher the damage I personally cause to the environment.So I hopped on my power-devouring computer and took the “mildly abusive quiz,” as the Web page reads. It’s a tiny bit adult in nature, but pretty funny.Just how I like my comedy.The quiz started out by asking how long my average morning showers last. I’d like to say under 10 minutes, and the colder the better. But I’m hardly a martyr when it comes to my morning shower.

For me, waking up in the morning is like having a tooth pulled without the laughing gas. Nitrous oxide and dental work go hand-in-hand where I was born. So the only way I can function is with a long, hot shower complete with salt scrub on my feet and daily leg shaving.Strike one.The next question regarded how I travel for short trips. I could lie and say I bike everywhere. But like Chuck D, I’m the epitome of public enemy. I drive around in a gas-guzzling SUV for errands that would probably take me an extra 30 minutes of my time if I would just ride a bike. If my friends think I’m late now, I doubt all the patience in the world would help them wait for me if I biked there.Bad excuse, I know.Strike two.There were also questions about powering down my computer and monitor, how I carry my groceries home and where I get rid of organic waste. “Smoking it” was an answer option for that last one, but that’s kind of gross when fish skin and rotten tomatoes are involved.

Maybe that’s why Oscar was so grouchy.I did right by my answers on how I drink my morning coffee (in my plastic Colorado mug), and my favorite mode of public transportation, which is the bus. I did not chose my favorite light source as a burning polar cub one of the funnier tongue-in-cheek choices and that helped me score some green points.Overall, though, my ecofriendliness is nothing to make Mother Nature smile. I imagine she would have more of a wagging finger.I can only hope this sparks some change in my energy-squandering ways. I could start by never going on a cruise-ship vacation again (oh, the waste, but, ah, the fun). Or I could sell my car and walk or bike everywhere.My dad would have to see that one to believe it.Like my history of wearing a bra, I have to start small. But at least I’m starting somewhere.

I’ll get back to recycling, which has literally fallen to the wasteside since not having curbside pickup. I’ll try to remember to bring a cloth bag to the grocery store, passing on all those wasteful plastic bags. And I’ll cut my showers down, which will in turn help me get to work much sooner.Now if I could only decide what to wear quicker.Some say global warming is a farce and that we’re a much more ecofriendly race than we were in the ’70s or ’80s. I don’t have the facts to dispute or agree. But seeing Hummers barreling down the road and the size of second homes in Aspen that remain heated all winter, I imagine we’ve done more harm than good.We may never know the real state of our earth, or its future.Only the polar bears really know.April E. Clark likes the idea of sustainable living but can’t grow a plant to save her life. She can be reached at and 945-8515, ext. 16601.

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