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Welcome to the dating jungle!

Fried RiceHeidi Rice

“Do you remember when we were dating?” I asked husband-head in a reminiscent moment. “Do you even remember how we met?”Husband-head was busy playing a game on the computer, and it was pretty much the furthest thing from his mind.”Yeah,” he replied in a robot-like voice. “It was a hoot.”That was not the answer I was looking for.”All right then, how did we meet?” I challenged.Realizing that he was being set up and could possibly be in big doo-doo if he did not answer correctly, husband-head turned his attention away from the game.”Are we having an insecure moment?” he asked in a soothing tone of voice. “Or is our little friend about to come visit?”OK, so I was experiencing a bout of PMS, but for some reason I was in a mood to relive my dating days.As I recall, I began dating when I was about 5 years old with a kindergarten classmate of mine. He was a cute little guy with a dark crew cut and freckles who had NO idea we were dating, except that I used to chase him around the playground and wrestle him to the ground so I could hold his hand.This strategy never varied, even in my adult life. The only difference being that – as I grew older – the guys didn’t fight back quite as hard. But to this day, I still wonder if that little kindergarten guy grew up to be emotionally or physically scarred.As an adult, the dating scene became a little more difficult as the choices waned. Whereas my mother had once hoped I’d marry a doctor or a lawyer, she would now settle for just about anyone – garbagemen and bug exterminators included – as long as they were gainfully employed.But as the years went by, the choices dwindled and as we moved through the ’80s and ’90s, a man who liked WOMEN was considered a good catch …While many people may meet their mates in places like a church picnic or a seedy bar, I’ve always thought the zoo was a good place to scout out potential dates. Clearly, anyone you meet at a zoo loves animals, although there is the strong possibility that person just doesn’t have enough money to go to the bar. Also, the zoo provides an infinite number of topics for conversation which can get extremely interesting if the animals should start to groom their private parts.According to the intricate laws of dating, if you see the same person several times, you are considered to be in a steady relationship. And during this fragile fragment of the courtship dance, it is also a time when you pretend to like things such as opera and do not partake in embarrassing bodily functions such as going to the bathroom or flatulence.Time spent dating also provides the opportunity to meet your date’s friends – who are also potential dates. In the dating game, you are allowed to go out with as many people as possible, provided you don’t date them all in the same day – which would then label you as a really FUN person.Because the ultimate goal in a steady relationship is to see if your significant other loves you enough to actually meet your parents, here are some suggested guidelines:1) Your date should have a job. It doesn’t necessarily matter what it is, but it helps if it is legal. Income derived from drug dealing, for example, does not go over big with parents. But to really impress them, your date should mention that he has health insurance. Parents love health insurance.2) Your date must not have body odor. Masking the smell with colognes such as musk is not really a good choice as it is also similar to the scent of body odor. Parents like the old-fashioned fumes of “Emeraude” and “High Karate” (which have since been found to also be effective as embalming fluids).3) Your date must like animals – especially your parents’ yippy little dog. It does not matter if Fido begins doing his thing on your date’s leg halfway through dinner. Successful candidates will ignore this activity, although those who seem to enjoy it should be ruled out.”SO … do you remember how we met?” I continued to badger husband-head.”Yeah,” he sighed. “We met in a bar and when I asked you out, you insisted we go to the zoo.”Heidi Rice is a Western Garfield County correspondent for the Post Independent. Her column runs every Friday. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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