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Who needs a wife when you have an iPad?

“So you have a new girlfriend, I see,” I told Husband-Head. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed, because I’ve hardly seen you in the last week.”

Husband-Head didn’t seem bothered at all.

“You mean Minnie?” he asked innocently. “Yeah, she’s the greatest. I’m not really sure how I ever lived without her.”



I rolled my eyes in exasperation.

“Well just remember that Minnie can’t make a killer pizza, clean your house or do your laundry,” I reminded Husband-Head.

Ever since I’d given Husband-Head an iPad mini for his 50th birthday, it has been his constant companion. He sits with it for hours in his man cave and even brings it upstairs to play with in bed. Minnie sleeps right next to him on the nightstand, along with the cell phone.



“Minnie and I keep track of all my fantasy football picks,” Husband-Head informed me. “And when football isn’t on, she plays all kinds of music for me.”

“Don’t you think the cell phone is going to get jealous?” I asked. “That used to be the toy of choice.”

To be honest, I couldn’t really believe we were actually having this conversation.

But I also couldn’t believe it when I came home the other afternoon and Husband-Head looked armed and dangerous with all the windows open, even though it was quite chilly outside.

“What, are you practicing to be some kind of Islamic terrorist?” I asked, a little fearfully. “Because that’s not cool in this house.”

Husband-Head just smiled.

“No, I’m helping you clean house with my new high-powered cordless leaf blower that I got for my birthday,” he said proudly. “See how good it works? It’s very effective and efficient. And I can get the job done in no time!”

With that, he powered up the tool and began shooting it at everything in the living room and aiming it toward the open windows.

“Honey,” I said patiently. “Simple furniture polish and a dust rag will do the job. There’s no need to blow half the contents of our house out the window.”

Just then our little 17-year-old cat walked into the room and I was scared to death that she was going to be blown out of the window as well.

“Why don’t you take your toy and go play ‘Wizard of Oz,’ outside,” I suggested to Husband-Head. “Just make sure you only blow around leaves. Don’t be taking out the neighbor’s windows or blowing around small children.”

This entertained him for a while and then he got tired of the leaf blower.

“Minnie and I are going out to the cave to have a beer,” he announced a few minutes later, cradling her in his arms. “We’re going to go check scores and make trades.”

I was starting to get a little jealous of Minnie.

“Well just remember that Minnie can’t make a killer pizza, clean your house or do your laundry,” I reminded Husband-Head.

A little later, he returned with Minnie.

“Minnie is fun, but you know who I just discovered is even a bigger hoot?” he said, looking kind of excited. “Siri. You can have all kinds of discussions with her. Although she seems to be a bit of a smart ass.”

For some reason, it seemed like the old futuristic, space-age cartoon “The Jetsons” with the housekeeper robot “Rosie” was starting to come to life in our home.

I tried to think of something we could do to get out of technology hell.

“Honey, I have an idea for this weekend,” I said to Husband-Head. “Why don’t we dress up in pioneer clothes and pretend like we’re on the old TV show, ’Little House on the Prairie?’ We could have dinner by candlelight and then have a singalong.”

Husband-Head looked at me as if I was off my rocker.

Then he wiped Minnie’s screen clean and put her on the nightstand next to the bed.

But it was going to be the last straw if he kissed the damn thing good night.

Heidi Rice’s column appears every week in the Citizen Telegram and on Sundays in the Post Independent.


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