Wishing for Slim Jims and free mayo
April E. Clark
Making a wish during a meteor shower is like cracking open fortune cookies until you find the proverb that fits the best.
I took the wish-on-a-falling-star superstition thing a little too far last Friday in Utah during the 2005 Perseid meteor shower. According to NASA, tiny bits of comet dust, traveling 132,000 mph, hit Earth’s atmosphere during this meteor shower. That made for a ridiculous amount of falling stars to wish upon, and a lot of bad trips for those who think hallucinogens and camping go hand-in-hand.
No drugs were part of the April Clark experience, but there was the use of peppermint snuff bought at the liquor store on the way out of town. Always a sucker for a dare, I sniffed the all-natural stuff reportedly used to spark sensory stimulation. Instead it caused a sneezing fit.
After pulling up to a campsite of snoozing campers ” except for a sleepless kayaker named Adrienne ” around midnight my friends and I turned our attention to the night sky. The meteor shower was blasting away, so much so that Adrienne thought she saw a double shooting star but it was really just a guy walking down the road with a headlamp. Really, this was a drug-free camp site.
The stars were falling so fast I barely had time to get in the ol’ wish standbys ” being happy in love, having healthy friends and family, world peace, owning a silver Porsche Boxster and of course, winning a lifetime supply of Slim Jims.
By the eighth or ninth falling star, I had practically morphed into Jiminy Cricket. The more I wished, the more I started to believe anything my heart desired would come to me.
Like my beloved Cubbies winning it all! What a thought, the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. For the love of Harry Carey, let this team win a pennant and let we suffering fans finally celebrate.
I wished Mentos commercials would make a comeback. The chewy candies may taste like cat urine, but they can get anyone through the day with a smile, even if they sit on wet paint. Mentos are the freshmaker!
And how about free mayonnaise? If mayo is so bad for us, then should we really have to pay for it? Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly crave deviled eggs, made, of course, with mayonnaise. Anyone who doesn’t know me now thinks I’m a freak.
I wished that reality TV star Omarosa would go away, for good. She’s the one who was originally on “The Apprentice” and was voted reality TV’s most hated in a recent poll.
I made so many wishes that night that I lost count.
I realized that if wishing on a star really does work, my world would sure be a better place.
But for now, I’ll just have to buy Slim Jims just like the rest of the world.
April E. Clark never hesitates to add ” … in bed” after reading her fortunes and believes wishing on falling stars really works. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 945-8515, ext. 518.
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