Ye Olde Predictions Piece: Circa 2014
The dawn of the new year signals civilization’s return to several grand traditions, including the ancient hoary one requiring we professional columnists to trot out the tried but true “Ye Olde Predictions Piece.” Either that or the even triter but true “Ye Olde Resolutions Piece.” But we wandered down that trail last year. And most likely will again in 2015.
Therefore, being the traditionalist ink-stained wretches that we here at Durstco are, it is with great pride and a certain amount of feigned dignity that we honor this revered journalistic practice. Hence, here they are: predictions of what to expect from various folks during the fifth year of the second decade of the 21st century.
In the year 2014:
Barack Obama will finally purge himself of the heavy burden of high expectations.
Lindsay Lohan will engage in activities that will trigger a slow, sad shake of the head from Charlie Sheen.
Locavore chicken wings will become all the rage at 60 bucks an order.
Hillary Clinton will change her hairdo so that it looks eerily like Elizabeth Warren’s.
A Silicon Valley start-up will trump Twitter by limiting users to punctuation marks. “!!!!?!”
The NRA will respond to another senseless school shooting by calling for the closing of all schools.
The NSA will ratchet up their online game-room monitoring to include Words With Friends.
The TSA will expedite passenger security by perfecting the implementation of the two-handed wedgie.
Starbucks will be revealed to be in league with Amazon, charged with the goal of keeping consumers up longer so we can shop more.
The Justice Department will break laws, then conduct investigations into who told the press about the breaking of those laws instead of investigating the crimes stemming from those laws being broken.
John Boehner will encourage the nation’s unemployed to move to Mexico for one of the thousands of good U.S. jobs now there.
The Tea Party will still steer America so that it teeters on the brink of a fiscal speed bump.
Justin Bieber will visit the grave of Mother Jones and declare her a Belieber.
Congress’s Approval Rating will sink below the poll’s margin of error.
Washington and Colorado will experience a huge uptick in tax receipts from the sale of Funyuns and Ho Hos.
Scientists will conclude global warming is protecting Earth from another Ice Age, causing Rush Limbaugh to call for a return to diesel-powered toasters.
Chris Christie will talk his way out of a rabbit snare into a bear trap.
Joe Biden will change his hairdo so it looks eerily like Chris Christie’s.
Kim Jong Un will play point guard for the North Korean National Basketball Team, then execute Dennis Rodman for stepping on his foot.
Anthony Weiner will attempt another high profile comeback and people will just laugh.
All four Duck Dynasty Boys will enter the 2014 Louisiana U.S. Senate GOP Primary but will knock each other out. Literally.
New Jersey will conduct traffic studies where traffic is actually studied.
Vladimir Putin will win a gold medal in the Sochi Olympics Biathlon Event. And will do it shirtless.
The Airline Industry will make every effort to rid the skies of the most dangerous security threat known to man: passengers.
— Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed and award- winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” and his calendar of personal appearances.
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I wrote this column to share my story through my cultural assets: Aspirational, linguistic, familial, navigational, social, and resistant. I know we all have an open wound in our lives and I want to share…