In light of the obvious election outcome, I took it upon myself to write Trump’s concession speech, as his writers seem to have difficulty in their profession. So here goes:

It is great honor, no-no, it is with great humility, oh, hell no, it is with absolute jubilation that I do not congratulate Hillary Clinton for her victory (if you can call it that), on being elected president of the United States. I loathe her.

I congratulate myself for pulling off the most elaborate con of all time, exposing the corruption of the “system,” and the microscopic intellect of the American people. America, you’re all a bunch of fools. You are all chumps. Totally laughable. You seriously thought I wanted to be president? You people are a joke. For starters, I could not take the pay cut. Not to mention the time involved in understanding the administration and education of international affairs … forget it. You couldn’t see that coming? You think I am some kind of fool? God, you people are idiots. You are naive, gullible, imbecilic, unthinking, out to lunch, witless mindset and the definition of dim bulbs.

But first, I want to thank each and everyone of you for your ignorant support, especially Mr. Pence. Mr. Pence spent tireless hours deflecting negative bombardments directed towards me, without regard to his personal persona, not to mention his entire career. What a man.

This has been quite a ride. It’s been so much fun … soo much fun, so much fun. Flying around the country, inflating my “image brand,” making myself millions in untold media exposure events and future speech and book deals, not to mention my legacy in the history books. Even Hollywood has interest in Melania, maybe even a movie!

What a country, what a country.

So Hillary, go out there and stink things up even more. You are no greater than the rest of your uninformed voters.

As for me, I am going back to my tower, where I belong, doing what is really important, selling time shares.

I told you all: “I will make America great again,” at least I did for myself.

Bill Knapp

Carbondale