Motto: If it ain’t broke, break it!
“Look! I’m Edward CLICKER-HANDS!” husband-head cried out with delight, clutching a remote control in each hand as he flipped through the channels on the television.”Be careful with those,” I warned. “Or they’ll end up with all the others in the clicker collection.”Actually, it didn’t really matter what he did with them because our remotes typically have a life span of about two weeks before they stop working – which is why we now have a whole basket of the bogus little boogers.But it’s not just the remotes that we go through. Husband-head and I have the uncanny ability to break almost any kind of household appliance we have without even trying.The day before, I had been making dinner when I let out a blood-curdling scream in the kitchen, causing husband-head to come running into the room.”What the HELL is going on?” he asked, checking to see if I was OK. “What have you done now?”I stood there with the oven door in my hand, not quite sure what had happened myself.”I just opened it to look at my lasagna,” I explained. “And the whole thing fell apart.”Part of the door was in my hand, part of it was on the floor and part of it was hanging off the oven.”Unbelievable,” husband-head said as he went for his toolbox. “This only happens to us.”It’s not that we don’t take care of things, it’s more like we have this “bad appliance juju” going on.Take hair dryers, for example. It doesn’t matter what make or model it is, eventually the thing takes on a life of its own and will decide when it wants to work and when it doesn’t – turning itself on and off as it pleases.”THIS is annoying,” husband-head complained as he tried to dry his hair after a shower. “Didn’t we just buy this thing?”We had.”It would probably be faster to go turn on the oven and stick your head in it,” I suggested.”Yes, and while I’m doing that, the oven will blow up and my hair will dry funny,” husband-head retorted. “No thanks.”Some of the broken appliances are simply a nuisance, while others are downright dangerous.I remember the time I had a load of clothes in a new dryer we had just bought. But when I went into the laundry room to get them, I could barely see through all the smoke billowing out of the machine.I rushed into the bedroom to tell husband-head.”The DRYER’S on FIRE, the DRYER’S on FIRE!” I screamed in a panic.”Smoke … in the dryer,” husband-head mumbled in his sleep, singing to the old Deep Purple song. “And fire in the … WHAT?”He realized what I was saying and ran into the room to unplug the dryer and put out the fire.Apparently the clasp on one of my bras had become wedged in the dryer as it turned around and ignited the machine.”If you want to be a feminist, you can simply burn your bra,” husband-head scolded. “You don’t have to destroy the whole damn dryer.”Vacuum cleaners, we have decided, are just plain evil.”Ummm, the vacuum isn’t working,” is a common complaint I make to husband-head about every three weeks as the thing spews out dirt all over the rug.Husband-head will spend about an hour disassembling the whole thing, trying to figure out what’s wrong.Husband-head will then kick the vacuum cleaner in its private parts and send it out to the shed to join its malfunctional brothers and sisters.And then its off to the store to try yet ANOTHER model. …Computers are yet another never-ending source of frustration to us.”Honey, why is the monitor screen fuchsia?” I’ll ask innocently. “It’s really kind of distracting to try and write stories in purple.”Thankfully, we’ve figured out that if you slap the computer really hard, the screen will go back to its normal settings.But for the time being, husband-head was enjoying his still-functioning clickers.”Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if I could click you on and make you do what I want?” he asked, pushing the buttons on the remotes as he pointed them at me.I reached into the junk drawer and withdrew two pairs of scissors – one for each hand. …Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Telegram. Her column appears everyThursday in the Telegram. Visit her Web siteat http://www.heidirice.com.Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for the Telegram. Her column appears everyThursday in the Telegram. Visit her Web siteat http://www.heidirice.com.
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Escribí esta columna para compartir mi historia a través de mis valores culturales: aspiracional, lingüístico, familiar, de navegación, social y de resistencia. Sé que todos tenemos una herida abierta en nuestras vidas y quiero compartir…