No foolin’ around on these pages | PostIndependent.com

No foolin’ around on these pages

Will Grandbois
wgrandbois@postindependent.com
Will Grandbois
Christopher Mullen |

We wanted to do an April Fools’ edition of the Post Independent, but the editor won’t let us.

I tried to explain that the community could use a break from reading about dark deeds and contentious issues. Besides, satire provides an opportunity to lampoon issues that are difficult to tackle normally. He just said something about journalistic integrity and being professional and completely dismissed the idea.

Really, though, think of the possibilities!

I could write about a new Roaring Fork School District rule prohibiting buses through the Carbondale roundabout because James Surls’ sculpture is too “voluptuous” — to say nothing of the one in Silt. Or how about a fictitious program to teach wild animals yoga? The editor would probably chastise me for putting ideas in my fellow Carbondalians’ heads.

On the same note, I suppose there’s always the possibility that an article on the Forest Service introducing piranhas into area streams to control the black bear population might be put into practice instead of being laughed off.

John Stroud could take the opportunity to imagine pot brownies accidently served at a Garfield County Energy Advisory Board meeting, prompting two hours of giggling over the word “fracking.” Or maybe a new bypass plan over Blake that means bulldozing the Hot Springs Pool, train station and Walmart. Or a RFTA plan to install a working Lionel toy train system from Glenwood to Aspen to preserve railbanking.

But our editor doesn’t believe in making light of serious issues.

Imagine Jessica Cabe’s art review of pile of pink junk in someone’s yard that everyone mistakes for a sculpture. Or a new restaurant in Rifle where you pay in shotgun shells and shoot your own dinner.

Jon Mitchell could finally write a softball story in which both teams are entirely composed of one of the area’s most ubiquitous families: “Nieslanik winds up, pitches a curveball to Nieslanik, who hits the ball into left field where it’s caught by Nieslanik and thrown to Nieslanik at first base, but Nieslanik is safe.” But someone might take offense, and apparently the editor is content with the angry calls he already gets.

I bet if we crammed “Garfield County Except Parachute Post Independent Citizen Telegram Sentinel Daily News Tribune Pilot and Today” onto our nameplate, he’d just worry about copyright infringement. And if we convinced our advertisers to get in the spirit, he’d probably think we’d be liable for the rioting when everyone finds out Nicki Minaj isn’t actually playing at the farmers market.

To be honest, I’m not sure anyone would even recognize a classified with the six-word novel attributed to Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Nor does anyone pay enough attention to the masthead to notice if we gave all ourselves nobility titles. The Earl of Essex just wouldn’t see the point.

Heck, even printing and distribution could get on the bandwagon, but I’ll bet the editor wouldn’t see the humor in a special all-cyan edition which costs twice as much as usual.

Anyway, all the PI has to offer today is actual news and advertisements from real businesses that could actually use your patronage. Ah, well. Maybe next year.


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