Patching up my New Year’s resolutions | PostIndependent.com
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Patching up my New Year’s resolutions

Fried riceby heidi rice

“Honey, would you mind if I wore a patch?” I asked husband-head during a commercial break as he sat watching a football game on television.”Over your eye?” husband-head growled in his best Captain Hook voice. “Aaarrrggghhh, matey! Nah, I suppose I could get used to the pirate look. But why do you ask? You can hardly see as it is.”I walked over to bop him on the head and ran into the dining room table on my way.Husband-head raised an eyebrow as if to punctuate his point.”I mean one of those patch things you stick on your body,” I explained. “They have patches now for everything.”I was trying to figure out my New Year’s resolutions and explained to husband-head that there are patches that help you quit smoking, lose weight and for use as birth control.”They’re even working on one now that boosts a woman’s sex drive,” I informed him.Husband-head didn’t believe me.”No way,” he shook his head. “Is it, like, a Spanish fly patch?”I just shrugged.But husband-head found the idea amusing.”So, you mean a guy would be at a bar trying to talk to the woman next to him and he could pretend to pat her on the back and slap one of those patches on?” he said with a laugh. “What a hoot!”Somehow, I don’t think that is the intention.”Would they sell them from a machine in the men’s room?” husband-head persisted, still laughing at the notion.The idea of a whole bunch of unsuspecting women walking around with libido-enhancing patches on was rather frightening.”No, sweetheart, I think it’s for medical purposes for women with a hormone imbalance,” I assured him. “It releases a low level of testosterone into the body.”Knowing that testosterone is a male hormone, husband-head’s humor turned to horror.”So, the chick would start growing a beard or a mustache right before your very eyes?” he said, crinkling his nose with disgust. “Gross. That would defeat the whole purpose.”The football game came back on, and husband-head motioned for me to be quiet.But I was intrigued by the whole patch thing. Years ago, pills were the popular method for things like losing weight or birth control. Now it was patches.Husband-head must have been thinking along the same lines because he continued the conversation during the next commercial.”So, what if you were trying to quit smoking, lose weight and not get pregnant at the same time?” he mused out loud. “You’d have all these patches stuck all over your body. You’d look like a human Band-Aid!”I could see the little wheels in his head turning, wondering if they made them in cartoon characters like they do the bandages.”Think they’ll make a SpongeBob SquarePatch?” he asked, before turning back to his game.But of course.”Actually, I think I’m going to get one of each and wear them all on my forehead,” I announced, trying to get husband-head’s attention again.He wasn’t listening.”So … what are your New Year’s resolutions, anyway?” I badgered as I sat poised at the opposite end of the couch with my pen and pad of paper, ready to write them all down.”To watch football all year-round,” husband-head said, putting his finger to his lips. “Now shush – the game’s back on.”I do not like being ignored for a bunch of men in tight green-and-gold uniforms.”Maybe they have a patch for you, too,” I suggested. “Maybe they make one that will make a person stop watching the Packers.”Husband-head slowly turned his head and looked at me as if that was the most insane idea anybody had ever had.”Why in God’s green and gold earth would someone want to stop watching the Packers?” he asked incredulously. When the next commercial came on, husband-head patted the couch cushion and motioned for me to sit next to him.”I think it’s fine if you get patches to help with your New Year’s resolutions,” he said deliberately. “In fact, I think you should get one in every flavor. I don’t mind.”The game came back on once again.”But do me a favor,” he said, leaning over and giving me a kiss. “Just make sure to put one on your mouth to make you stop yammering while my game is on!” Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for The Citizen Telegram. Her column will now appear every Friday in the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.Heidi Rice is a staff reporter for The Citizen Telegram. Her column will now appear every Friday in the Glenwood Springs Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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