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Victoria can keep her secret to herself

Fried RiceHeidi Rice

“BUSTED!” I yelled at husband-head when I caught him lying in bed reading a magazine that contained photos of scantily dressed women. “Where did you get that?”Husband-head looked up with a slow smile.”It came in the mail,” he said innocently. “I’m just reading it for the articles. …”I grabbed the magazine out of his hand and looked at the cover. It was the latest Victoria’s Secret catalog.”Hah!” husband-head said. “You thought I was doing something wrong, didn’t you? And I was only looking at something to order you for Christmas.””Well I can assure you I don’t want Tyra Banks,” I huffed, as I snatched the picture of the bra-and-panty-clad supermodel away from him.But with the holiday season right around the corner, we have been inundated with catalogs that arrive in bulk every day in the mail.”I wonder what the mailman’s biceps look like after delivering all these,” I mused out loud as I carried an armload of catalogs from the mail box and plunked them on the kitchen table.There were catalogs for electronic gadgets, furniture, bed and bath linens, jewelry, clothing, swimwear, gardening, kitchen appliances, dishes, fireplace accessories, pet supplies, candy, chocolates and holiday decorations.In fact, there were even catalogs to order more catalogs. …”WHY are we getting so many of these things?” husband-head asked as he looked at the precarious tower of magazines that was getting ready to topple.I just shrugged.”It’s because you ORDER so much stuff, isn’t it?” he accused. “They probably think you’re this crazed catalog maniac and so they just keep sending more and more.””I like buying stuff online or by phone,” I said, justifying my shopping activities. “You can sit in your jammies and punch in a bunch of numbers and an expiration date and … poof! All kinds of cool packages come delivered to your door. It’s like having Christmas every day!”Husband-head’s eyes narrowed.”You sure you don’t have something going on with the UPS guy?” he asked suspiciously.You mean, like, Doug Hefferman in the “King of Queens?”No thanks.”Ummm, the UPS guy pretty much knocks on the door and runs away,” I answered truthfully. “I think he’s afraid of me.””I’m afraid of you, too,” husband-head agreed. “And I’m afraid to see how much you spend.”Again ladies, the beauty of electronic shopping … there’s no record of it in the checkbook!Nevertheless, the number of catalogs WAS getting a little out of hand, so I called Marianne to see if I could slough some of them off on her.”Got that one … got that one … got that one,” my best friend replied as I rattled off the names of the various catalog companies.”What do you DO with them all?” I asked her, hoping for a suggestion.”Well, I put Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood in the magazine rack in the bathroom,” she replied. “My husband says he likes to read them for the articles. …Déjà vu.”But then if we have a fight, he threatens to look for a mail-order bride somewhere in the Far East,” she continued. “Apparently, all you have to do is punch in some numbers and an expiration date and … poof! The chick is delivered to your door. …”With Doug Hefferman?But it still didn’t solve my dilemma of what to do with all the catalogs collecting and multiplying on my kitchen table.A few nights later, I was lying in bed perusing the pile when husband-head came charging into the room.”BUSTED!” he cried out, startling me while I was reading. “What are YOU looking at?”I tried my best to hide the glossy photograph.Husband-head grabbed the picture of the buff male model in the L.L. Bean catalog, who was showing off the latest in flannel-lined underwear.”I was just looking at something to order you for Christmas,” I said innocently.Husband-head looked appalled at the thought that I would give him fuzzy undies as a gift.”OK,” I finally admitted. “I was reading it for the articles. …”Heidi Rice is a Rifle reporter for the Post Independent. Her column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.Heidi Rice is a Rifle reporter for the Post Independent. Her column appears every Friday in the Post Independent. Visit her Web site at http://www.heidirice.com.


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