Fried Rice: Frozen Dead Guys Day again
Citizen Telegram Editor
Some people love their grandfathers way too much.
This became apparent when the grandson of a Norwegian dude named Trygve Bauge — who suffered from severe psychological dysfunction because his parents only put one vowel in his first name — decided in 1989 to freeze his beloved deceased grandfather, Bredo Morstoel, and store him in hopes that through advanced scientific technology in the future, Grandpa could someday be revived or cloned.
However, in 1994, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) deported Bauge back to Norway to go get more vowels for his name so that it could be pronounced in this country.
Bauge left, but has since paid someone to keep Grandpa Bredo packed in 1,500 pounds of dry ice in the shed.
“Let’s have a festival!” a Nederland resident, who had obviously been drinking something way stronger than Gatorade, suggested. “Let’s hold ‘Frozen Dead Guy Days.’”
The other Nederland residents, many of whom were suffering from a phenomena called “Brain Freeze” — which occurs when one lives too long in a cold climate — agreed.
And so, “Frozen Dead Guy Days” was born.
“He is a champion for the rights of the temporary dead,” a woman named Kathy Beeck was quoted as saying.
It must be noted here that only in Nederland would the words “temporary” and “dead” be used in the same sentence. …
Even high-ranking elected officials got in on the action. One elected official attempted to get a resolution passed in the state Legislature to have a special day in March declared “Frozen Dead Guy Day” in Colorado.
“Honey, would you ever want to be frozen and preserved for years and then revived back to life years later?” I asked Husband-Head.
“Maybe,” he answered honestly. “But would I have to have the same wife when I was unfrozen?”
“Keep that up and I’ll thaw you out before they come up with the technology,” I threatened.
According to reports, the resolution claimed that Grandpa Bredo should be honored for being a “model citizen, never giving anyone the cold shoulder” as well as having an “icy resolve and a stiff upper lip.”
However, just as with the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, some people failed to see the humor in it all and the resolution was effectively pronounced “dead.”
Nevertheless, hundreds of people turn out for “Frozen Dead Guy Days” each year, and celebrate with coffin races, a Grim Reaper parade and tours to see a shed containing a frozen dead guy.
But let’s not just pick on Nederland here.
Take, for example, the “World Wife Carrying Championships” held in Finland. About 7,000 people turn out each year for this fun festival in which a man has to carry his wife through an obstacle course, with the winner getting his wife’s weight in beer. This is probably the only recorded instance in which a man WANTS his wife to weigh 250 pounds…
This country is also host to the “World Air Guitar Championships,” which we imagine is attended by thousands of teenaged boys.
“The only rule is that the contestant may not have an actual guitar to play, but the guitar must specifically be an invisible air guitar.”
It does not specify whether hallucinogenic drugs were involved…
But even warm weather climates have their share of funky festivals.
How about the “La Tomatina” celebration in Spain, in which residents gather every August to huck thousands of pounds of tomatoes at each other. Or the “Humungous Fungus” festival in Michigan, which features an 11-ton, 1,500-year-old mushroom.
Vegetables are fun! Vegetables make good themes for festivals!
However, if you’re not into vegetables or dead bodies, there’s always the “Nude Olympics” held the past three years near Flagstaff, Ariz., where participants claim, “What better nude bodies to look at than ATHLETIC nude bodies?”
But for now, since Frozen Dead Guy Days is over, I think I’ll just enjoy some St. Patrick’s Day celebrations and call it good.
Heidi Rice is the editor of the Rifle Citizen Telegram. Her column appears every week in the Telegram.
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